We’ve all heard of homosexuals (hello, hi, welcome)—but have you ever dated a hobosexual?
No, it’s not a slur. It’s a lifestyle. A warning. A vibe. Maybe even a survival tactic. A hobosexual, in queer parlance, is someone who starts dating you mostly because… they need a place to stay. Think: Tinder meets air mattress. Think: “You up?” texts that mysteriously coincide with the first of the month.
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And before you clutch your pearls or your rent-controlled studio, let’s be real—this isn’t just about shade. It’s about survival, intimacy, boundaries, and that precarious intersection where love meets lease.
So, what exactly is a hobosexual?
A hobosexual isn’t just someone who’s couch-surfing or going through a rough patch. It’s someone who weaponizes romantic interest as a housing strategy. They move fast, flatter often, and seem to always have a tote bag just off-camera during FaceTime.
You meet them on a Friday. By Sunday, they’ve asked if your building has laundry.
You ask if they’re seeing anyone else, and they say, “Not unless their Wi-Fi is faster.”
It’s not just co-dependency—it’s co-habitation, expedited.
Why is this so queerly familiar?
Because queer people—especially queer people of color, trans folks, and those estranged from their families—often don’t have the same safety nets. When housing is unaffordable and the chosen family is still figuring out how to split the utilities, sometimes “dating for shelter” isn’t just a joke. It’s real.
The hobosexual isn’t just a punchline. Sometimes they’re you. Sometimes they’re someone you love. Sometimes they’re someone you’re trying to love but can’t quite afford.
Still, in queer spaces, the term often lands with a knowing smirk. We laugh because we’ve seen it, lived it, hosted it—and maybe ghosted it.
The emotional rent is always due
Here’s the thing: relationships move fast in the queer world. Some of that is U-Haul culture. Some of that is trauma bonding. Some of that is because we spent our teens sneaking glances instead of going to prom. So when queer love shows up, it can feel like catching up on a lifetime of delayed affection.
But when someone’s heart is in it for the housing, you’ll feel it. It’s in the way they dodge emotional check-ins but never forget to ask if your building allows pets. It’s in the way their overnight bag becomes a laundry basket… then a drawer… then a whole shelf.
And maybe that’s the bittersweet truth: hobosexuals often aren’t trying to deceive—they’re just trying to survive. Housing insecurity is real. So is loneliness. So is trauma. But that doesn’t mean you have to provide both shelter and emotional scaffolding to someone who isn’t showing up for you.
And sometimes… It’s televised.
Take, for example, Mel Owens, a 66-year-old former NFL linebacker who bluntly told producers, “If they’re 60 or over, I’m cutting them.” It’s giving less “Golden Bachelor” and more gold digger with a gym membership.
One Reddit user summed up the casting with a scorched-earth take:
“I cannot understand why they choose him—unless there truly was no man who is not a sociopath/narcissist who may have killed his first wife (like the first ‘Golden Bachelor’) willing to go on the show and date women his own age.”
Another chimed in with even more fire:
“He is a hobosexual poolboy and all the wealth came from his wife that conveniently died 10 days before he started a relationship with a much younger woman that he abused. Instead of a ‘restaurateur’ he’d briefly flipped burgers in the 1980s.”
It’s a cautionary tale: sometimes the emotional rent isn’t just overdue—it’s disguised as a reality TV plotline.
So what do you do if you’re dating one?
Set boundaries. Ask the hard questions. If they love you, they’ll understand. If they just love your queen-sized bed and central air, well… that’s another conversation.
Or maybe it’s time to evict. Lovingly. Kindly. Legally.
Because at the end of the day, you deserve to be more than someone’s crash pad. You deserve a partner, not just a roommate who compliments your throw pillows.
In summary:
A homosexual is someone who loves the same gender.
A hobosexual is someone who loves your fully furnished one-bedroom.
And both deserve compassion—but only one should have your spare key.
Got a hobosexual horror story (or a success story—we see you, hopefuls)? Drop it in the comments. Let’s unpack… before they do.