Before he was the Secretary of Transportation, before he was the first openly gay presidential candidate to win delegates in a U.S. primary, Pete Buttigieg was a closeted man in Indiana — serving as a mayor, deployed to Afghanistan, and privately carrying a fear that many LGBTQ+ people know too well: what if I never get to love fully, out loud, and without fear?
In a recent candid and laugh-out-loud interview on the Flagrant podcast, Buttigieg peeled back the policy suit and revealed something a lot more vulnerable — the letter he wrote before heading to a war zone, the “awkward” timing of coming out in the middle of a reelection campaign, and the unexpected magic of meeting Chasten on a dating app that wasn’t Grindr.
“I wrote the letter… and it just said ‘just in case’”
On deployment in 2014, Buttigieg, then Mayor of South Bend, did what all soldiers are told to do before heading into combat: write a letter, just in case you don’t come home. But his letter held more than passwords and financial instructions — it was a quiet reckoning.
“When you get deployed, they tell you to write a letter. I still have it, in a drawer, somewhere,” he recalled. “The letter, it just says, ‘just in case,’ on the outside. And it’s everything that you would want your loved ones to know: From your internet passwords to how you feel your life went.”
That’s when the emotional current shifts — a man surrounded by community, holding public office, technically successful by every societal standard — and yet deeply, achingly aware of the part of life still unclaimed.
“But in the back of my head, I’m thinking, ‘All right, but I’m also a grown ass man in a position of responsibility and I don’t actually know what it’s like to be in love,’” he said. “If I get back, I’m not gonna let that continue. Whatever the implications, I’d rather deal with that than once again contemplate the idea that I could go to my grave not knowing what it’s like to be in love.”
It’s the kind of quiet heartbreak that hits LGBTQ+ people like a gut punch — the things we miss, the things we bury, the false comforts of a “good life” lived in half-light.
“And then one day I did it.”
After returning from deployment and back in the rhythm of small-town politics, Buttigieg decided to do what still feels radical in many corners of America: he came out. Not in a book deal or a splashy interview. In a local paper.
“I wrote a little op-ed in the local paper,” he said. “‘I don’t think this should be anybody’s business, but I know it’s a thing. Here’s something you should know about me.’ And it was fine. I mean, it wasn’t fine, there was some ugliness around it. But, you know, nothing ever happened that made me regret that I did it.”
It’s that quiet courage that still defines Pete — not a thunderous announcement, not a campaign trail stunt. Just a decision to live honestly, even when it was deeply inconvenient.
And maybe most importantly: it wasn’t too late.
“I found him!”
Months after coming out publicly, Buttigieg did what all newly-out gays do — he hit the apps. But not those apps.
“No, I found him! We were on… It was Hinge, the dating app,” he shared, when asked how he met Chasten.
The hosts, clearly waiting for a steamier origin story, pressed: “It wasn’t Grindr?” one of them teased.
Before Pete could say a word, another host jumped in with the line of the episode: “Grindr is for Republicans.”
Cue the laugh break, the snort, and the now-iconic Pete Buttigieg Jim-from-The-Office stare straight at the camera. But let’s not let the punchlines distract from the poignancy: this man, who once feared he might die without knowing love, met the person who would become his husband less than a year after coming out.
Sometimes the second act really does deliver.
From the “just in case” drawer to “I do”
Buttigieg’s story isn’t just relatable — it’s radically hopeful. For every queer person who came out later than they wanted, for every grown adult who feared they missed their shot at love, Pete and Chasten’s story reminds us: it’s never too late to stop surviving and start living.
RELATED: Pete Buttigieg’s Candid Journey as a Queer Dad of Colorful Twins
Whether it started with a war letter or a Hinge swipe, their love story is, in Pete’s own words, better than regret.
And we’ll gladly take that over a “Grindr at the RNC” scandal any day.
I recall the first I heard him in an interview; I was so impressed!!
He is the kind of líder our country so badly needs. He is intelligent, extremely articulate, has carisma, compasión and to top it all he is gay.
I’m a 72 years old hay man married for 8 wonderful years and I remember coming out to my kids thinking that my life was over; I was so wrong. I married a wonderful man that I adore. The best years of my life.
I left the states 5 years ago, but I keep up with the politic in the states…. My dream would be to see Pete as president of USA. Our country deserve an amazing guy like him.
I loved, loved their love story.
Admirable person!
Talk about positive role models! I worked for Sec. Pete for four years and what you see is what you get – a brilliant, compassionate, honest, down to earth man who has a work ethic like no other. I pray that he will become the leader who pulls the Country out of the MAGA death spiral and restores integrity to the Oval Office.
Love this story. And I sure hope Pete runs for President again!! Beautiful family as well. As an older gay male who married had 2 kids then……. I’ve been blessed completely and my daughter has given me my first grandson!
So respect these guys especially for taking on the choice to be parents in a crazy world that will never understand we are all just humans ❤️
We can only hope for our country to someday be run by such an intelligent courageous Man with his amazing family at his side … ✌️♥️🇺🇸
We someday
It’s awesome and beautiful. They are true soul mates. I’m so happy that they are together.
Beautiful!!!!