In what can only be described as the art world’s most glamorous crime spree, the Louvre jewel heist has captured the attention of gays everywhere—but not just because of the audacity of the crime itself. No, it’s the alleged suspects that have sent social media into a collective thirst spiral. Because, well, let’s just say that these mugshots are more GQ than “most wanted.”
For the past week, images of the supposed criminals behind this heist—who were believed to have snatched priceless jewels from the iconic museum—have been circulating online. And, to the delight of Instagram and TikTok, the thirst levels have been absolutely off the charts. But here’s the twist: these mugshots, too good to be true, are anything but. And as it turns out, the only thing stolen here may be our dignity—and possibly our ability to distinguish mugshots from Hollywood headshots.
Wait, Was That… Chace Crawford?!
In the beginning, it was all fun and games. The public saw the first mugshot and immediately declared it impossibly hot. And then… came the second one. If you were active on social media during that time, you probably saw the brief explosion of euphoria that took place when people realized that one of the alleged heist men looked eerily like Gossip Girl’s own Chace Crawford. Yes, you read that right. Chace Crawford. You know, the guy who once got arrested for a “less-than-scandalous” drug charge back in 2010.
But, as Lady Bunny herself pointed out, this wasn’t a new face—it was an old one, courtesy of Crawford’s infamous mugshot. So, how did we all fall for it? Well, simple: he’s hot. He’s very hot. (Like, absurdly so.) As one TikTok user dryly pointed out, “I feel like I’m cheating on Luigi”—a clear nod to the now-iconic Luigi Mangione, whose surprise bisexual revelation broke hearts and set gay Twitter ablaze when his truly smoking hot looks were revealed.
RELATED: Ryan Murphy Is Eyeing a True Crime Series About Luigi Mangione
@jake_amazing Ballad for the Louvre #louvre #louvremuseum #paris #heist
Yet, Chace Crawford wasn’t the only Hollywood look-alike to make an appearance. Another mugshot was being passed around, and, to everyone’s delight, it was yet another dreamboat. Fans quickly crowned this unknown man “the hottest criminal alive,” and TikTok’s Jake Schroeder serenaded the “two dudes who robbed the Louvre” in a song that would make Ryan Murphy’s Glee cast jealous. (“Literally sexy as hell,” Jake said, and we couldn’t agree more.)
The Plot Thickens (But So Does the Heartbreak)
But before you make any travel plans to Paris to swoon over these so-called crooks, the plot takes a rather disappointing turn. According to one tiktoker, French law enforcement doesn’t actually release mugshots to the press—meaning that what we were all drooling over wasn’t the real deal. One of the photos, after some much-needed fact-checking, was traced back to HotAndBusted.com, the once-legendary tumblr page known for its chronicling of really attractive people in mugshots. RIP to a beautiful internet era, indeed.
@jahankalantarofficial The good looking Lourve robbers #jksays
In truth, two of the alleged Louvre suspects—who remain faceless in the eyes of the public—are actually a man and a woman. Worse yet (for those of us hoping to start an international romance with a jewel thief), they were allegedly in a relationship. Not only do they appear to be off the market, but they also seem to be—gasp—hetero. This news is a definite punch in the gut for anyone who was dreaming of a “crime spree turned love story” moment.
The Truth? It’s Kinda Fine, Actually
So, while the hot thieves we imagined may not exist in the way we hoped, there’s still something oddly beautiful about the fantasy we built up. Yes, this heist may have taken place in broad daylight at one of the most famous museums in the world, but the story that we’ve constructed around it is entirely our own—and, frankly, that’s a kind of magic in itself.
As Jake Schroeder put it so eloquently, “We need more heists. We need more spice. We need hot guys. We need more crimes.” And you know what? He’s right. While the reality of these suspects has been a bit of a letdown, the dream lives on. In this timeline, where Luigi languishes behind bars, we’re more than willing to let our hunk-starved imaginations run wild and see what comes back to us.
Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from this modern-day heist of the century, it’s this: we don’t care if they’re criminals. We just need hot guys who make us feel something. And, for now, we’ll take whatever scraps of that fantasy the internet throws our way.
After all, in the immortal words of Schroeder himself: “More crimes, more hot guys. Please.” Amen.