New York City can be stressful, so when I moved here one year ago, I decided to download a meditation app: Grindr.
Some may call Grindr a sex video game. The coins are blowjobs and instead of extra lives you get the gradual decay of your physical form until you’re rejected by the community you helped build.
But I call it a big old gay focus group!
So when I arrived in the Big Apple, I turned to localAdam’s apples for wisdom. Because what better support network is there than anonymous, thirsty strangers on the Internet?
Here’s the Grindr wisdom about the New York grind:
1. First things first, let’s establish our priorities.
2. And get the requisite T-Swift out of the way.
3. Now it’s time to walk the walk.
4. But realize that sometimes you might have to…
5. Speaking of transportation, when you have to take the subway, keep in mind the following.
6. Now, never forget the words of your middle school D.A.R.E. officer.
7. Or the sage wisdom of Suze Orman.
8. And by all means take in some culture while you’re here!
9. A few men had very particular sites they wanted me to take in.
10. One man had insightful thoughts on my project altogether.
11. Mike just has a vendetta against panhandlers.
12. A lot of men had advice that belongs on throw pillows or unfortunate bicep tattoos.
13. WYSIWYG needs to work on his confidence.
14. Luke straight up plagiarized The Secret.
15. BFG bought himself some time by asking a clarifying question
16. Two gents cautioned me on bitterness.
17. And another two resorted to straight up flattery, which you know I am not going to censor.
Overall, the New to New York Grindr Advice I got was as varied as the types of gay men in New York — sincere, sarcastic, practical, impractical, playful, intense, simple, profound, and of course: horny. I guess no matter our background, we move to this city with hopes and dreams and fears and neuroses, and its up to those who came before us to help initiate the new crop into the cult of New York.
So here’s to Year Two, where I hope I can give someone the advice 6’3” Eric gave me:
Zach Zimmerman is a comedian and writer in New York, who’s performed with The Second City and whose work has appeared in The Huffington Post Blog, Dose, and OMGFacts.
To catch his comedy shows, videos, or become his first stalker, follow @zzdoublezz on Instagram, Medium, and Gay Twitter.