No, Stars, You Don’t Have To Come Out.

A couple of the other gay blog spheres out there have been generating lists of stars that they say "should" and "need to" come out this year.  To that I say STFU!  and that doesn't mean 'shut the front door'.

Why is is so gosh darn important for stars to be out?  Some say it's so they can be great role models and show LGBT youth that there are others like them out there.  Well, I'm sorry.  If you don't know that there are gay people out there and you haven't heard of the "It Gets Better" campaign by now, you need to plug into reality as well as social media a little more.  With individuals like Ellen, Tim Cook, Elton, NPH and well soooo many more, why are we being such a greedy community and trying to up our numbers?  It's not a competition and these are people's personal lives we are talking about.  If they don't want to come out, then that should be fine with the rest of us.

About 4 or 5 years ago, I was out in Los Angeles for a friend's wedding and while there, I frequented a couple of the fine gay establishments southern California had to offer. I vividly recall seeing Charlie Carver at one of the gay hot spots and no, he wasn't there drinking straight beer or supporting a gay friend.  He was there because it was a gay bar and he was gay.  He as very comfortable in his surroundings and himself.  I am sure there have been many more stars sightings "out" that aren't out and we let them be.  Why?  Because it is their lives and we need to let them live their lives as they see fit.  I and I am sure others could have outed Charlie years ago, but why?  I had and still have a huge crush on the lad.  Maybe I should have threatened to out him publicly or something like others in our community do.  Dragging Charlie through the tabloids would have helped someone out there be more secure about their sexuality, right?

There are stars that are gay and will eventually decide on when they will come out and there are others that are basically already out, but don't feel like writing it in stone next to their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Colton Haynes keeps coming up, another hottie I wouldn't mind getting to know better.  Well before Teen Wolf we all knew he was gay or are at least 99.9% sure he was.  It was accepted by most out there that could add 2 and 1 and get a queer $3 bill.  His nonchalant-ness when a fan posted, "When I found out Colton Haynes had a secret gay past, I got so excited even though I know it makes absolutely no difference in my life" was actually refreshing and very welcomed.  Haynes' Tublr response to the post?  "Was it a secret? Let’s all just enjoy life & have no regrets :)” Exactly!

Another star people constantly are prodding with sticks to come out of the closet is Queen Latifah.  Once again, there is no secret there.  Is she only out and proud if she is OUT IN YOUR FACE and LOUD AND PROUD?

I'm also tired of hearing, "But they're all stars and they gave up their privacy when they became stars."  and  "It's the price they pay for being famous."  These are great excuses for you to share information that may alter someone's social and professional life forever.  Great job!

As far as I am concerned, individuals that do not violently speak against our community are fine individuals and should not be hunted down.  In these lists written by other LGBT media, the "gay hunt" continues AGAINST many well known citizens like Aaron Rodgers and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith.  I use the word against, because this is a negative activity.  Just let people live.  When and if they are ever ready and if they truly are LGBT, then they will choose the best way to inform 330 million Americans and the rest of the world about what goes on in their bedroom. 

To those that desire to out people as LGBT, to put a spotlight onto what stars choose to do in their beds, I say "Cut The Crap."  Better yet, if you are tormenting these stars with your outing ways, instead of asking red carpet goers who are you wearing, why aren't you asking Jennifer Lawrence if she likes anal or Dame Judy Dench if she is a fan of threesomes.  Why not learn about everyone's bedroom preferences.  I am sure we would all like to know if Daniel Craig is submissive to his wife in bed.  If sex sells so much, go after the straight majority of the population.  There are more of them and more stories to share.

So are we being hypocritical?  Is Instinct calling for stars to come out?  I don't recall us doing such a thing.  I would like to think that we are here celebrating those that have decided to come out. Charlie Carver – congrats for doing what you feel you needed to do to be the whole you, and I'd love to buy you a drink some day.  Tom Daley, we would have loved you until forever, even if that speedo-clad body of yours wasn't gay. Kristian Nairn, even if you only have one word in your character's vocabulary, it is nice knowing you are family. 


Do you think gay stars have a responsibility to come out?


15 thoughts on “No, Stars, You Don’t Have To Come Out.”

  1. Why should the gay media keep

    Why should the gay media keep a closeted star secret? We know Aaron Rodgers is gay but the straight sports media is engendering this lie.

  2. Initially, I was not going to

    Initially, I was not going to comment on this article, because I've seen this type of article before and I've seen the typical responses before and normally no new ideas are arguments are presented.  However, I've changed my mind about responding.  I must respectfully disagree with you Mr. Dupuis.  If a celebrity is out to family, friends, colleagues, his/her publicity team, and even to higher ups in the entertainment industry, then they do have a responsibility to come out to their public.  Times have changed dramatically, even from as little as 10 years ago.  If a celebrity is working through issues and is not out to those in their personal lives, then of course, respect their privacy.  However, if they are living in the gay bubble of LA, New York, etc. and are out living up a gay life, I don't believe they have an excuse to stay in the closet to their public.  If gay celebrities want to be treated like their straight counterparts, then they shouldn't mind if they are reportedly getting intimate with someone of the same sex.  Tabloids and entertainment news outlets constantly report on "Typical Straight Celebrity's" possible new boyfriend/girlfriend.  The same should be done with glass closet celebrities.  That's all.

    • There’s nothing wrong with

      There's nothing wrong with disagreeing.  Do you feel the same way about teachers, school administrators? What about business owners? Or are celebrities the only group on the hook by themselves to being required to share their sexuality with the world?

      • Hey!  I finally had time to

        Hey!  I finally had time to take a look at the comments section of this article and saw your response.

        First, let me say that celebrities occupy a different position in our society than teachers, school administrators, small business owners, etc.  Celebrities have forfeited much of their right to privacy (though NOT all) since they make their living by being in the public eye 24/7.  So, yes, celebrities do have an obligation to be out to their public if they are out in their private lives.  This almost always lessens the stigma of being gay for people not in the public eye.  Plus, if more and more LGBT celebrities living in the glass closet would shatter and destroy those same glass closets and if that would reach a tipping point, then LGBT celebrities wouldn't continually be passed over for leading roles in movies and TV shows simply because they're gay.  Case in point: Matt Bomer.  Studios should be offering him more roles than any actor can handle in a lifetime.  He has all the hallmarks of leading man material.  But because he is open about his husband and family (to a limited degree), he can't be Superman and/or Christian Grey.  Nevermind that Henry Caville and he could pass as brothers (even twins).  Forget the fact that even after he came out, women STILL pictured him as the exclusively straight Christian Grey.  Sadly, studios are still controlled by white, primarily heterosexual, men who still think that being gay is an impediment to being a leading straight role without any justification.  I still hear stories from people in the industry that casting directors, producers, and directors want lists of all known "c*ck-suckers" and "carpet-lickers" so they won't be cast in their projects. (Pardon my French).  With more out celebrities, this might have to change.

  3. So I suppose that everyone

    So I suppose that everyone should all come to terms with their sexuality at the exact same time in their lives, and come-out in precisely the same way? Please

    The reality is, there's an inner circle to discussing any type of sexuality. Friends and family come first, colleagues and peripheral friends and family come second, and the masses that I don't know come in at a distant last. If ever. 

    If loud drag queens, gay activists, and those wounded from a miserable childhood are fixated on how celebrities choose to live their own lives, then that's a compulsion they need to address on their own. Everyone is trying to figure out their own lives. Leave people alone when it comes to things that don't concern you. 

  4. Coming out or not coming out

    Coming out or not coming out is a personal decision and as a rule I do not believe in outing. That being said, if a person is in the public eye, and his/her sexuality becomes known, it should be acknowledged and should not be hidden under the disguise of privacy. You may not have a choice about being gay, but you do have a choice about being in the public eye. One big difference between today and a few years back is being gay may actually prolong a career. Matt Dallas would be long forgotten if he did not come out. Lance Bass would not be on the talk show circuit if he were not gay. I will not go so far as to say it enhances a career, but it's not a guaranteed career killer either.

    • Hey Carlos,  thanks for

      Hey Carlos,  thanks for reading the blog.  I was waiting for someone to use one of the two most overused and misused terms in our community.  You didn't use heterogeneity, but internalized homophobia is just as bad. I swear, when people use either term, they feel they have shut down the argument and won.  So I call crap right back at yah! Please elaborate as to how this is internalized homophobia.  Please tell me how people who feel their sexuality is not all that important for the whole world to know is internalized homophobia.  Please tell me why a star choosing NOT to make a public declaratory statement that they are LGBT is internalized homophobia.  If you don't declare and don't deny, is that internalized homophobia?  Sounds like someone just living their life.  To use the same argument, do stars who do not come out as straight have internalized heterosexuality? If we as a society believe that LGBT stars need to proclaim their sexuality, why aren't we making all public figures, sports stars, entertainers proclaim where they are on the Kinsey scale?

      Internalized homophobia is defined as the involuntary belief by lesbians and gay men that the homophobic lies, stereotypes and myths about them (that are delivered to everyone in a heterosexist / homophobic society) ARE TRUE.

      • Someone has some ALOT of

        Someone has some ALOT of anger issues and it isn't the commenter you lashed out at.  Seriously, you have to realize you still have some unresolved issues accepting your sexuality.  To answer your question, the reason straight people do not have to come out is that in our society, everyone is presumed to straight!  It is called heterosexism!  You don't seem to understand what "coming out" means – it is not just reluctantly accepting you are gay and cannot change but still accept society's homophobic value judgment that all things considered it is still better to be straight.  So, while you resign yourself to having sex with men, maybe even loving them and forming relationships but you consider this part of your life private so you just you along with society's presumption of heterosexuality.  You may eventually tell your parents because they keep asking about girlfriends or when you will find a wife and you may tell your close friends, if you have any.  You think of being gay as some sort of semi-shameful sexual kink that only really matters in the bedroom – as you said, why does it have to become an identity?  

        Does any of this sound familiar because it exactly what the religious right thinks and in fact, up until a decade or so ago, the majority of americans, congress, the president and the courts all agreed that homosexuality should be tolerated at best but should not be considered equal to heterosexuality.  So, being gay was grudingly accepted so long as it was kept semi-closeted and not "flaunted" So, if you came out at work, you risked being fired with no legal protection.  Ditto with the military ban and same sex marriage was considered an oxymnoron – who in there right mind would think that homosexuality would ever be granted the same social standing and veneration that heterosexuality has always enjoyed?

        So, the question isn't why should public figures come out or feel any obligation to come out or should the norms of society encourage coming out and stigmatize staying in the closet.  The question should be why should homosexuality be treated any differently than heterosexuality and why should we presume people are straight by default?  Why have you internalized this view that being gay is just about private sexual acts in the bedroom and analogized to S&M or watersports?

        And why do you feel so threatened when social norms are finally shifting away from heterosexism and homophobia to a more neutral position that encourages everyone to be their true self and not be shamed into viewing their sexuality as something that only exists in private, which really means homosexuality is something that only exists in private while heterosexuality is promoted ad nauseum.  You seem more angry and filled with rage against out and proud gays rather than on the real enemy – homophobia.  

        Part of the problem seems to be that since you live in Hollywood, you think you are part of this special club that can see these guys out at gay bars, which the rest of us plebs out in the sticks can't know about.  It is fine for you WeHo queens to gossip amongst each other but when the same "gossip" takes place on the internet or in thr press, then your little clique no longer has exclusive access to this insider knowlege.  

        Get over yourself…

        • No need to tell me how I feel

          No need to tell me how I feel about my sexuality.   Confident here. But as always, we welcome opinions , no matter how wrong they may be.  Best of luck in your psychology career- from someone who taught psych and sociology for many years. 

        • Just noticed you say “since

          Just noticed you say "since you live in Hollywood."  Been there twice in my life.  Don't live on the west coast and it doesn't really matter where I live.  WeHo queens? Seriously. Get over yourself. 

  5. I think it’s irresponsible

    I think it's irresponsible for people who know that they're gay to continue to pretend they're not.  What that says to younger individuals who are considering whether or not to come out to friends and family is that being gay is shameful and you should be afraid to be who you are.  Yes, it is none of anyone else's business what you do in the bedroom. But if you are pretending you are something you're not because you're afraid of what other people might think or say, then you are falling victim to the rhetoric that there is something wrong with you because you're gay.  No, I don't believe that anyone who's gay should broadcast it all over the place, but celebrities live in limelight and their every move is followed.  So if they are living in a way that is not true to who they are, they are teaching anyone else who might be feeling the same that it is not ok.  That's the danger of remaining "in the closet" as a celebrity.  

  6. Gay stars should come out

    Gay stars should come out even if it ruins their careers and livelihood.  The only exceptions would be if they are republican or libertarian, then they should stay in the closet because the community does not approve of those characteristics.  If you are Muslim you should definitely come out but stay away from people with long knives and stay off of roofs.  If you are Christian then you are too stupid to understand the concept of coming out.  If you have greater than 12% body fat you may come out but you must keep your shirt on at all times, or walk backwards in public.  Good luck!


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