How To Win The Gay Vote (the $90,000 Answer)

Lately there has been much said about the astonishing disconnect between the detached elites who govern, and the rest of us. Just the most recent example is in New York City’s Mayoral primary, when a New York Times reporter asked each of the Democrats running how much they thought the median price for a Brooklyn apartment was currently. Not much of a “gotcha” question since Brooklyn is one of the five boroughs of the city, and the price of real estate has always been one of those topics of conversation, like men, since before Carrie Bradshaw and friends had kvetched about it while downing Cosmos.  

The answers varied from $90,000 (Ray McGuire, a former Citibank executive who lives in a $4.2 million apartment with $10,000 monthly maintenance fees), $100,000 (Shaun Donovan who was President Obama’s HUD secretary AND a former NYC housing official) up to $1.8 million (Maya Wiley). The correct answer, by the way, was $900,000 (Andrew Yang buzzed in for the win). 

Which kind of begs the question, besides “what planet do these politicians live on to think that one could buy an apartment in Brooklyn for $90,000?” (apparently there are only 7, count ’em, SEVEN, places in all of New York City that can be purchased for $90,000), I’m wondering “just what $90,000 can buy one these days?”

In a related story, apparently there is a gay Republican who is delusional enough to think that he can be elected to the U.S. Senate from Arkansas (yes, you read that right). Michael Deel seems nice enough, but honey, puh-lease.  Again, another “Arrested Development” moment from the late, great Lucille Bluth captures how I felt when I read that: 

Source: https://i.gifer.com/nWq.gif

As we say in the South, “godbless.” 

While Mr. Deel stands little chance of winning as a gay Republican to the U.S. Senate in the South (oops, sorry Miss Lindsay, I almost forgot about you), I decided to channel my inner Randy Rainbow to come up with some hard-hitting questions for any gay politician who is hoping to shantay and win the gay vote. 

Specifically, what can $90,000 buy a b*tch?  Is knowing housing prices the way to the Gay heart & vote? 

Unlike the tired old “how much is a gallon of milk” or the cost for a gallon of gas that politicians are typically supposed to know off of the top of their heads, a gay politician, it should go without saying, must know the basics of the common gay experience.

For instance, “how much does a pitcher of margaritas go for?” There are actually several possible answers to this important question that are revelatory about our gay politico, ranging from the rhetorical slight of hand by answering a question with a question (“Are we talking about Happy Hour prices or standard pricing?”), to a more Himbo type of response (“My boyfriend always pays so you’d have to ask him.”). A responsible, sober response might be “While I personally would have a sparkling water, I know from being the designated driver among my friends that the cost of a pitcher at (fill in the blank of a local gay bar that does not have too much of a leather / BDSM reputation to shock our ‘just-off-the-farm’ innocent gays) is $10.” Boring, but perfectly fine response (although for $10 I’m wondering just how much tequila is in that pitcher, just sayin’). 

Another telling question for any self-described gay who is running for political office is to ask them “which was the best season of RuPaul’s Drag Race?” Of course nobody should be able to cheat and say “this past season” because (a.) #TooSoon, and (b.) it’s not true. But any self-respecting kween can agree to disagree about whether it was season 4, 5, or 7 (correct answer is 5). 

To really cut through the crap, however, I might launch into a speed round of quick questions, the kind of relentless pounding that one might expect a gay leader to face outside the safe confines of a leather/BDSM bar. 

“Who’s your favorite Jonas brother?” 

(Correct answer: Nick)

“Boxers or briefs?”

(Correct answer: Andrew Christian jockstrap)

“Favorite porn studio?” 

(Correct answer: …(respectful pause)… “depends on my mood” followed by a mischievous wink)

“Barbra, Cher, or Madonna?”

(Correct answer: “Dolly”)

As for that question of just what $90,000 can buy, a Louis Vuitton clutch is not one of the correct answers, but props for coming through purse first. No, our panel of esteemed judges, and Ross Matthews (see what I did there?), are telling me that the correct answer is… well, you tell us. 

What would you spend $90,000 on?


“​This post is solely the opinion of this contributing writer and may not reflect the opinion of other writers, staff, or owners of Instinct Magazine.​”

Source: NYMag

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